Kiss Me (2014)

You know Jeff Probst? Yeah, the Survivor guy. Well, in addition to executive producing and hosting Survivor, Probst also directed two films. One of his films, Kiss Me has lesbian content. So I’ve now seen 50% of his directorial efforts. I think it’s fair to say Probst is better at reality TV hosting than directing lesbian cinema. Though to be fair, I expect the reverse is also true. Most directors of lesbian cinema would probably be pretty poor hosts of competition reality shows. Celine Sciamma, if you’re reading this, prove me wrong and start hosting The Amazing Race.

Kiss Me is a coming-of-age film that touches on various serious topics with minimal depth and insight. 15 year-old Zoe is diagnosed with scoliosis. As her parents are unable to pay for surgery, Zoe must wear a back brace 23 hours a day until she stops growing around age 18. This is devastating to Zoe. She already worries that no one will want to date or kiss her. So, the back brace just compounds her teenage angst. What brings her out of her angst is relationships with two different people. The first is Shelby, a fellow teenager with a difficult home life who quickly develops an intimate friendship with Zoe. And then there’s Chance, the father of the children Zoe babysits. Zoe engages in flirtation with Chance and the married, adult Chance does nothing to curtail her attentions.

Kiss Me packs tragedy and drama into its plot though none of it is executed well. It’s all just a light sheen of tragedy over a generic series of events. It’s understandable that teen Zoe would react poorly to a diagnosis of scoliosis. Though really, it’s not that serious. But nobody in the film treats it like this. Even the adults. Zoe’s doctor tells her if she doesn’t wear the back brace then she’ll be deformed, a hunchback. Tone it down a notch, doc! Shelby’s father is an abusive alcoholic. The beats of this plot are incredibly standard and amount to very little. Zoe’s relationship with Chance is also concerning but again, doesn’t really go anywhere. He’s creepy, she’s underage. She almost sleeps with him but doesn’t. I don’t know what this plot really had to say about anything.

By far the best element of the film is the scenes with Zoe and Shelby. Suddenly, the mediocre screenplay works. These actresses take the very generic dialogue of the scene and imbue it with such chemistry that it feels gloriously natural. Sarah Bolger and Emily Osment have really surprising chemistry. It’s something really special to watch in a film that is otherwise very poor. It’s a damn shame the film didn’t focus on this. These actresses easily could’ve carried a movie focused on this relationship. Sadly, Kiss Me is deeply unfocused so instead, their relationship, like everything in the film, peters out.

20 minutes before the end of the film, there’s a time jump. Zoe goes from being 15 to being 19 and ready to go to college. She also revisits and wraps up her plots with Chance and Shelby. This is all very badly done. What this entire time jump suggests is that Zoe had absolutely nothing of note happen to her in the four years between these time frames. No other romantic interests or even crushes. No other people of importance to get closure with before becoming an adult. Nope! Just a guy who took some racy photos of her and a girl she kissed once. The way the film plays out really feels like Zoe was just in stasis for four years. And because the time jump happens so late in the film’s runtime, Zoe’s closure on this chapter of her life lacks any sort of depth.

Kiss Me is not good. It’s a by-the-numbers coming of age film with below average execution. This film about teen girls has the unmistakable feel of adult man about it in everything from generic characterization to how the teenage Zoe is styled and shot. It makes it all the stranger that in a film so lacking in overall quality that there is a relationship that features such extraordinary chemistry from the two actresses. Sadly, the scenes between Zoe and Shelby don’t make up enough of the movie to drag Kiss Me out of being a pretty bad movie.

Overall rating: 3.5/10

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