The Final Girl

The Final Girl is the worst WLW movie I’ve ever seen. It’s also the worst LGBTQ* themed movie, the worst art film and the worst french movie. In short, The Final Girl is the actual worst film I have ever seen.

I’m not entirely sure what The Final Girl is about because it’s an “art film” and therefore, too good for traditional narrative. What I’ve gotten from plot summaries is that it’s about a group of french women whose lives are intertwined by the absence of another French woman whom we meet in black and white flashbacks. Mostly though, it’s just a lot of navel gazing and the worst pornography I’ve ever seen.

The Final Girl is every bad art house film trope that my parents complain about and cite as reasons not to watch art house movies. This movie is a whole bunch of random bullshit that’s tied together in a way that suggests maybe there’s some deeper meaning behind it. Except there isn’t. This is just pretentious garbage. Having a non-linear narrative or a lack of dialogue or whatever other bullshit this movie pulls does not necessarily equate deepness.

For example, one flashback scene has the absent French woman narrating about how she saw a lost and trampled glove on the subway and then pondered the human condition or some garbage. Fuck this entire movie.

The sex scenes in this thing are so bad. They’re the antithesis of sexy. They’re all shot in long takes with no background noise. The blocking is constantly crap and the pacing made me want to tear my hair out. The plot always comes to a screeching halt whenever these sex scenes start. For the love of all that is holy, edit out some of the foreplay or something because this shit was tedious.

The worst part though was how clearly not into it these actresses were. These women seem clearly super fucking straight. I can’t tell if they’re just bad actresses in general or just are so straight they really couldn’t fake the enthusiasm for lesbian sex scenes. Either way, these sex scenes are performed by women who very, very clearly don’t want to be there and aren’t enjoying themselves. I’ve literally seen better acting in porn.

Completely unsurprisingly, these scenes are completely unnecessary and they feel exceedingly voyeuristic. I’m too aware of the director’s presence during them. As I watch two women clearly not enjoy themselves, I’m all too aware of how much the director is. Oh and the director has a bigger foot fetish than Tarantino which means all his characters have a foot fetish. Besides that being not my thing, it’s a great example of a director not knowing how to distance himself from his characters. None of these sex scenes taught me anything about the characters but it did teach me that the director really likes feet.

It doesn’t help anything that The Final Girl has no fucking budget. As previously mentioned, the actresses are exceptionally amateur. There’s also little use of music or original score throughout the movie. Instead, most of the film has the glorious, free soundtrack of undiluted background noise.

All in all, The Final Girl feels far too much like a student art film. I’m staggered by the fact that this director has been making films since 1989 and has directed 24 features because this shit is like first-year film student level. Would this movie have been better if it had a better budget? No. It’s beyond saving. Even a better director couldn’t have helped. This movie was crap from its very inception and did everything wrong during production. Its final form is a piece of work that will piss me off until my dying day. Fuck this movie.

Overall rating: 1.3/10

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