Concrete Blondes

Concrete Blondes has many similarities to D.E.B.S. Both are crime/action comedies featuring lesbian relationships. Both are also uneven to say the least. But D.E.B.S has an indescribable charm to it that Concrete Blondes lacks. And it’s this non-specific charm that made D.E.B.S. into a WLW film classic while Concrete Blondes feels destined to be forgotten.

The lead in Concrete Blondes is the driven, no-nonsense Kris. Kris is constantly frustrated to find herself in a universe that seems to be populated by sitcom characters and plots. At her job as a lawyer, a client tries to pay her with a brick of hash. But this is just the warm-up. Kris lives with her deadbeat, fuck-up girlfriend, Tara. Tara and their third, straight (?) roommate, Sammi accidentally interrupt a major criminal meet up while trying to find a rave. Tara and Sammi’s presence causes the criminals to panic and they all shoot each other. This leaves Tara and Sammi as the only witnesses. But instead of going to the police, the women make off with a bag of money, drugs and a gun. This obviously complicates Kris’s life.

Concrete Blondes is very comedy-focused. There isn’t really a lot of actual action, just jokes about it. When the film plays their two genres against each other, it is really funny. Tara and Sammi are ditsy sitcom characters. Seeing them interrupt this criminal meeting is really funny. Two very different movies collide and that conflict leads to laughs. Concrete Blondes is not without jokes that work well. This film did make me laugh out loud a couple of times. But it’s at its best when it’s lambasting its own plot. And it doesn’t do nearly enough of that.

Mostly, the film is a lengthy sitcom. Especially Tara and Sammi. Tara and Sammi’s stupidity is a great way to move the plot along. But it makes them deeply unpleasant to watch. These characters are too dumb to root for. And all of their dialogue is dumb. Sometimes it’s almost self-referential jokes about how dumb they are. Sometimes it’s singe-layer jokes where they just say dumb shit. Either way, so many of the punchlines aren’t fresh. The comedy, especially from these two characters is disappointingly stale more often than not.

Because Concrete Blondes leans so heavy into comedy, the crime aspect isn’t super successful. They use the crime framework primarily as set up for many of the better jokes. But the actual crime plot and especially the film’s third act is pretty lame. I don’t care about the low-level criminals or the ditsy protagonists and their suitcase full of Canadian money. John Rhys-Davies plays the Greek crime boss the leads deal with. He’s the best part of the movie. He seemed to have some fun with the comedy but was also genuinely intimidating when the film called for it. His performance really made me wish the rest of the movie was better to match his energy.

Whatever edge Concrete Blondes has to it is completely absent in the jokes. And that’s why the film doesn’t work. This is a comedy full of punchlines far too safe and far too predictable. There certainly could be a hilarious version of this film buried somewhere in there. But especially as a comedic film, your audience shouldn’t be expected to have to dig to find good things.

Overall rating: 4.7/10

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