Vampyres (2015)

I didn’t like the original 1974 version of Vampyres. But as it so often goes, the remake is worse. This 2015 Vampyres is mostly a waste of time.

Like the original, Vampyres features female vampire couple, Fran and Miriam. The women enjoy blood, nudity and murder. Fran in particular, likes to play with her food. And by playing, I mean having sex. Fran keeps one specific man locked up in the manor for this purpose instead of killing him. Elsewhere, three tedious campers wander their way into the narrative. Chief among them is Ann, who lives long enough to witness the depraved horror of Fran and Miriam’s manor.

While taking notes, I kept going to write that some of the shots in Vampyres are really good. Only to find I’d already made a note of that. I agree with my past self though. Some of the shots here are really, really good. There’s real artistry and atmosphere to them. One scene involves Fran and Miriam taking a bath together as blood drips on them from a hanging victim. That’s a particular highlight. The scene is both sexual and horrific, but the focus is on the horror. And I really appreciate that. This is a strange movie because there are glimmers of not just talent but real passion for the story. And those moments shine brightly. Tragically, those moments don’t make up nearly enough of the film’s short run time.

Some individual shots in Vampyres may be good. But whenever the film has to advance the plot or involves characters speaking, it all falls apart. The plot here is really thin. And there’s no sense of urgency to the film or even its characters. The camping subplot takes up way too much of the film. Clearly, these scenes were cheaper and easier to film. But they’re extraordinarily uninteresting. These characters don’t know they’re in a horror movie. And it takes a while for anything horrific to happen to them. Even when it does, Vampyres still doesn’t feel like it has urgency or stakes.

And then there’s the acting. It’s bad. It’s really, really bad. The best of the actors are unremarkable. The worst of them are unable to make even a very basic line read sound natural. The acting is heavily distracting from the movie. The dialogue and characters on paper are extremely bland. But that blandness is performed by some very poor actors and it becomes an unwelcome strangeness. It’s not bad enough to loop back around into being campy or otherwise fun. It’s just baffling that these were the people they hired for their movie. Was there really no actor who could’ve provided this bland exposition in a way that seemed like they’d actually met a human before?

In summary, Vampyres (1974) bad, but Vampyres (2015) worse. The handful of really good individual shots just makes everything look worse by comparison. The only decent version of this film as a compilation of just those good quality shots. And that version of Vampyres would run approximately 3 minutes. The rest of this film is not worth watching or talking about.

Overall rating: 3.6/10

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