We feast today. Greatest streaming service of all time, Tubi has provided a WLW film with one of the best premises I’ve ever heard. Get a load of this! With a Kiss I Die asks the very important question, What if Juliet (from Romeo &) was a vampire and fell for a woman? The boldness! The vision! God bless every person involved in this movie for turning that insane elevator pitch into a movie I can actually watch. Of course the movie isn’t good. But with a premise like that, if you expected anything different, that’s on you.
The film opens with vampire Juliet ending her day by drinking the same poison that she took at the end of the original story. This is a ritual of hers enabled by her current familiar, Amaltheo. As proven by her whole daily suicide deal, Juliet is still very much haunted by the events of her brief human life. Centuries later, and her immortality is a curse, more than a blessing as Juliet has nothing to live for. That is, until she meets the most basic white girl you’ve ever seen. Bland human girl Farryn enters Juliet’s life in a way that makes Juliet unable to conceal her vampiric nature. But Farryn really takes to the revelation, basically immediately asking to be turned into a vampire herself. But it’s more complicated than that. There’s a whole vampire politics bloodline situation which fills out the second half of the film.
The sheer glory of the premise of With a Kiss I Die carried me through most of the film. But not all the way. Realistically, the execution of the story isn’t as good as the premise itself. In fairness, the core idea slaps so hard that maybe no execution of the story could match what I had in my head. But still, With a Kiss I Die definitely loses interest in the second act. When it goes hard into the vampire bloodline stuff, it becomes basically a cheap version of the most boring bits of True Blood. The film is at its best in the scenes where it is not just about vampires, but also bisexuality and a connection to Shakespeare. The vampire family stuff minimizes those elements in favour of just vampire politics. And that’s obviously, way less interesting. I’ve seen that before.
Disappointingly, the romance is also a major weakness of the film. Juliet straight-up tells you in voiceover that she falls in love with Farryn in three days. So, not exactly the best relationship development. It’s not even like they get some sort of romantic long weekend to really get to know each other. Vampire politics and expository dialogue take up a lot of the couple’s time together. It’s also extremely funny that Juliet’s two love stories are both very whirlwind. A love within a matter of days sort of deal. But in between them, there’s a literal centuries-long dry spell where apparently Juliet didn’t fall in love even a little bit. Girl’s got commitment issues that go in both directions, apparently.
While I don’t understand how Juliet fell for Farryn so quickly, the same criticism does not hold for the reverse. I totally get why Farryn fell for Juliet. Actress Ella Kweku is overwhelmingly the best part of With a Kiss I Die. Obviously, she’s stunning. But there are a lot of stunning women who lack screen presence and confidence. Kweku owns this role and every second she has onscreen. You really can’t take your eyes off her. They really cast the best possible person for this role. Kweku absolutely elevates what was on the page to create this magnetic dreamgirl of a character. Some people may question the fact that a black actress is playing a character who originated in a play about 16th century Italian nobles. To which I would respond that this movie also literally has vampires, so maybe check your priorities.
Is With a Kiss I Die a good movie? Of course not! Look at that plot summary! But it brought me so much joy. This is such a fun, creative premise for a movie. It’s extremely fucking bold and quite frankly, a little silly. And all of that makes me so goddamn happy. I often get asked for “good” bad WLW movies; ones that are funny and entertaining. And there aren’t many of those. Most bad WLW films are boring, offensive or just cheap and ugly. Sometimes they’re all three. While With a Kiss I Die is a little cheap, the rest of the stuff doesn’t really apply. It’s an extremely fun sit even though on a technical level it’s obviously lacking. I really hope everyone who made this film had a good day today. I certainly had a good day because I saw this silly, lesbian vampire Shakespeare adaption.
Overall rating: 4.4/10
Other WLW films in similar genres
Vampire romances
Modern riffs on classic stories
Honestly, the premise is the best part of that movie – that and Juliet.
I’m halfway through with it and I don’t want to finish it. The bland white girl should have a more interesting story and yet she doesn’t. The problem is that Juliet is falling for something that isn’t there ( no personality, no charm, no nothing – only a tragic death and enough money to go traveling)
Also if Romeo was that impactful to her (her first love), where is the backstory?, why Juliet is not looking for him if he means that much to her? And why she is performing her “death scene” by drinking poison if she died with a dagger in her heart? (Not to mention is the book based off her life? How?). I feel like nitpicking but it is the first time I felt like Twilight has a better love story.
It’s such a shame, I wanted to like it. I agree with everything in your review.